About 5 weeks ago, I wasn’t feeling well. I had a constant worry and my body was upset. This seems to happen every time I take a step toward moving to Germany. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. A loved one made me feel better but even then I felt cloudy.
I have felt trapped in a weird limbo for the past year. I was pursuing a goal to get my masters degree for opera in Germany. The wonderful thing is that even during the pandemic, I powered through and reached that goal. The only problem was that once I had to cancel my plane ticket and hotel, because I couldn’t get my visa in time, everything started to shift. Of course, at the time that was happening I didn’t realize it. Eventually, I bought another ticket and was determined to make it happen but my body shut down.
Anyway, fast forward 10 months later, I would have spells of feeling good and then not so much. Like I said, I had been living in limbo for this past year not knowing if I should buy something or save my money for when I move to Germany, not knowing if I should buy a concert ticket, not knowing if I should buy more winter clothes instead of summer clothes since the city I’d be living in Germany would be on the Baltic sea. I came up with career ideas that I didn’t know if I should start trying out because what would the point be if I’d pick up my life and leave? Being in that state of mind isn’t ideal for such a driven person.
So 3 weeks ago, I took my first voice lesson in what seems like almost 2 years but there might have been one or two in there before covid. My first lesson was online and I laid out the cliff notes version of my past 4 years. My singing goal has been to a full time opera singer living it up in Europe where that music is much appreciated. And during this year, things shifted and felt like I was trying to pull a semi truck all on my own. At the very least, one thing that remained constant was that I wanted to sing and perform but I felt like I hadn’t explored my voice. The lesson went amazingly but I don’t mean that I was good. I absolutely had some things to work on and some thinking to do. But the best thing about this lesson was that I was excited. I have not felt excited and pure untainted joy in so long. I almost forgot what it felt like but I also knew that it was something that I thrived on. It left me on a high all week long, so I most definitely made a lesson for the next week.
This time, my lesson was at her house and I expressed to her how grateful I was for the tools she gave me but more importantly, what she did for me mentally. I told her everything I just said and wanted to make sure this woman knew what she did for me. I was so excited to get to work and a huge bonus was that I was liking the results. I started seeing more of a future instead of a big question mark in my limbo state. I just knew that whatever I was doing, I had to keep doing because I didn’t want to lose that feeling that truly gives me life.
The next week before my incredible third lesson, literally, it was the best, I booked myself a trip to Hawaii. I’m actually writing this as I’m on the plane! I found out that I had the week off of work because of a fourth of July break we get in the summer. So I booked the flight, hostel, and excursions! I was going to enjoy my time away from everything and everyone and just spend some true quality time with myself. I did invite my friend because he is someone who I can do anything with and anywhere, but he’s preoccupied. I think part of me riding this high is about taking my mind off of “Germany? Not Germany?”. Planning which beach to go to is much nicer than planning how I’m going to make life work. That sounds lazy but I promise I’m far from it. I actually believe that I feel that way because I no longer truly want it like I did. But who knows, maybe I’ll have a life epiphany on this solo trip to Hawaii. Stay tuned!
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