Rejection occurs in many forms and is always hurtful. Why is it always hurtful? It’s in our nature as humans to feel accepted amongst each other, especially our loved ones and superiors. Validation also occurs in may forms but, if there isn’t any, can also be hurtful. Again, we strive to feel accepted and seek validation amongst each other to feel good about ourselves. So if we don’t feel validated, we feel rejected. But maybe there is a gray area.
I’m currently in the midst of feeling rejection in some of my personal relationships. There isn’t much validation and it’s making it difficult for me to uphold them. There are a few things about that last sentence I want to talk about. I can only speak personally but I’m sure you can relate.
I am the type of loved one that will do anything for her loved ones. That includes, but isn’t limited to, giving them the benefit of the doubt to ensure a smooth relationship. I’m not talking abuse or anything like that though, just simple stuff that could add up over time but is usually fine if it’s once in a while. i.e. not calling you back or cancelling on you again. I try to be very understanding and to not take things personally. If I did, I would feel a constant rejection and that doesn’t feel good.
I have some people in my life that I try really hard believe that the way they treat me doesn’t reflect me but their personal interpretation. I have a friend that created a narrative that questioned my character and it was quite sinister. It was one of the most hurtful moments in our relationship. How could one of your closest loved ones come up with the most untrue narrative about your character? And then tell you about it?? To be honest, I hear those words every day because it wasn’t just rejection, it was an attack. They ended up admitting that they were experiencing some jealousy and projected that into their interpretation and apologized for it. I appreciated that they recognized themselves and yes, that makes perfect sense, but doesn’t make it less hurtful.
Fortunately and unfortunately, I tend to my relationships. I value the people in my life, more than they know, but I try to show them and tell them as often as possible. I am definitely not perfect but I always mean well. If I mess up, I easily recognize my mistake and want to make it right. And for the most part, my loved ones do the same. But I find myself asking this question too often.
Am I as valuable to them as they are to me?
The few times I have voiced me being hurt by something a loved one has said or did, my feelings were not validated and therefore I felt rejected. When rejection is felt by loved ones, I don’t know about you, but I feel a sense of abandonment. Maybe that’s because of my history. But that’s also why I cherish my relationships. I could never write of my loved ones, even when they aren’t validating me or our friendship because they are grandfathered in my pocket of unconditional love. I then have to find a way to distance myself so that I no longer have the expectation for them to meet. But do they think this hard about me or our relationship? I genuinely don’t know. But I do know that it affects me. My loved ones are a big part of what keeps me going because that’s my validation tank. So when I have a few of them not validating our relationship, I can’t help but feel a sense of rejection.
It’s interesting to see people who think, “If they don’t love me for who I am and can’t deal with it, then they don’t have to”. I think healthy people can appreciate and respect each other for who they are BUT can modify the way they communicate. We are all different and have our own things going on. Most issues are miscommunication issues. So if there is a good intention and the willingness to modify the form of communication, the validation tank can be full and the rejection tank can take a hike.
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